List

I keep a list of things I know better than to say out loud. It makes my life easier when people don't know just how quietly crazy I really am. I feel more like a human being than instructive entertainment.

The list isn't particularly long nor exhaustive. I forget large portions of it so, routinely, something inappropriately vulnerable and beautiful slips out and makes an awkward little mess. I apologize, mop it up with a quick joke, dispose of it an off-the-wall conversational shift, and it never comes up again. Life goes on, as it will, so help me God, whether one likes it or not.

There are a few things I've never managed to say to people and I hope, for the ease and comfort of all involved, I never do.

Things like:

I think you're really Jesus Christ dressed up like somebody I would know.

The reason why I'm so uncomfortable around you and most other people is because I am afraid that if I am not careful, I will start babbling on about how beautiful even complete strangers are.

Just say nonsense, Dr. Seuss words, right now. I don't care. I just want a familiar voice to fill up the Big Empty a little while longer.